Why Love Hurts

Why is love SO compelling and yet often SO painful?!  Why is it that something as wonderful as LOVE can also bring us to our knees?  Falling into love, falling out of love, hurting or being hurt by the people we love, or longing for love – what is it that can hurt so much?  Over the next two weekly healing updates we’re going to get a grasp on a new insight into these questions.  We’re going to up our love IQ.

The first thing you have to do is learn.

A great place to start is with The Beatles.  Their story illuminates a couple of key conditions important to this week’s quest.  Part of what made The Beatles such a huge hit early on was that they were distanced from their audience.  To this day you can experience a lot of John, Paul, George and Ringo in pictures, recordings, and movies, but you’re extremely unlikely to meet them as a normal person.  Part of what made them so famous was that at the time there was a tide of people who just wanted to gush love and adoration.  These fans – mostly young women – could idealize, idolize and fantasize, literally ‘to their hearts content.’   There was no threat of rejection, no danger of ever meeting and being disappointed by the objects of their affection, only the profound hope in their hearts that love could be so perfect.  This is the first condition I want to point out: fans wanted to experience a perfect love they innately knew was possible.

Where did this tide of love the Fab Four tapped into come from?  Why weren’t listeners so satisfied with the love in their own homes and communities that these party animals with instruments had little impact?  Well that’s just it, something was lacking.  A significant number of people were ready to explode.  One clue comes from how they grow up.  Psychologists notice that the bonds created during childhood – the love bonds of early childhood especially – shape not just how we love the people that raise us but how we experience love for the rest of our lives.  This early programming becomes tacit, like sunglasses we forget we’re wearing.  The more love, the thinner the glass, and vice versa.  It seems as though when the Beatles first hit it big in North America there were some thick shades ready to come off, like a reservoir of love dammed up and waiting for someone to release the gates.

THIS is why love hurts: because our hearts get dammed up or blocked.  We feel both the pain of the block or the longing for an unblocked state where we can experience love more easily and effortlessly.  Such blocks are exceedingly normal.  I work with almost all of my clients in every session to clear stagnant blocks big and small.  Their existence is involved in every illness and injury, and clearing them is one of the first things I learned in my energy healing training.

You need love to be healthy and happy, and without it your health and happiness falter.  Why would love ever be stymied?  Surely it should be flowing as freely as the Beatles’ fans hoped.  Well, as I established in the previous two updates, love hasn’t been a top priority in our culture, but it’s on its way up.  This rise is inevitable because just as the Beatlemaniacs pointed out, love is primal and innate.  It’s like we’re born with a crayon box, and over time learn to color only with some of the colors.  Inevitably, however, we will come in contact with someone or something ‘outside the box’.  It can be a neighbor, a lover, a song, a work of art, an incident, an asshole in traffic, etc., that reminds us of one or more of the ‘other’ colors.  For instance, if you’re painstakingly nice you may be reminded of your anger, or if you are stoic and cool you may be reminded of your vulnerability.  These experiences are alternately painfully uncomfortable and compellingly attractive.  What were the kids who came of age in 1960’s America responding to in their post-war, Baby Boomer parents?  They were at a point where they could no longer deny the existence of the other colors like love, no matter how hard they tried.  Sooner or later we all have to.

The most difficult thing is, if your heart blocks pain for a long time it gets comfortable that way.  This new comfort zone becomes a lens through which you view everything in your world.  We develop intricate personal habits to help us avoid opening up to the pain we hold in our hearts.  Entire families will skate around hidden pain.  These habits become so ingrained that in most cases they become who we think we are.  This makes it harder to love and be loved, to feel, find and recognize love.  We may go to great lengths to prove ourselves worthy of the love we want but don’t feel.  The fear of getting hurt again can be so great that we will turn away from our hearts to feel as little love as possible.  We’ll prefer it.  One especially glaring tragedy stands out here: the things that hurt us are usually part of our history and no longer happening right now – especially in this very moment – yet we continue to protect ourselves.  When the energy in your heart is blocked for long enough it starts to show up in your body as heart related illness and disease.  Anything from simple tightness in the chest all the way to heart attacks – yes, heart attacks, the leading cause of death in the United States – are rooted blocked heart energy.

This is what’s happening when love hurts:  when we open our hearts to others in our relationships, everything – and I mean everything – that has been dammed up has a chance to flow out and be felt.  This can be sad, terrifying, depressing, destructive, and lonely but also liberating, empowering, exhilarating and life-affirming.  The truth is, as humans we’re not able to limit the stuff we don’t like and let loose the stuff we do.  When you tighten down on some of it, you clamp down on all of it.  When you open up the flow again whatever you were blocking will be right there waiting for you.  If you’re still hurting from a past intimate relationship of any kind, it’s going to come up in your next one, of any kind.  Did you have a rough time with your father growing up?  You’re going to have to address it all again as a dad, as a wife, or in your relationship with me.  Did you experience the death of a parent early on?  You can expect to be avoiding that threat of loss in all of your current relationships.  There are as many stories as there are people on earth, many much more and much less dramatic than these.  A large part of my work as an energy healer is working with the roots of these stories so that my clients’ energies can flow in a healthy way again.  This way they don’t have to continue to re-experience old pain in their life-circumstances.

The good news is that love hurts because your amazing heart is always trying to call up a great pain you couldn’t get past, so you can get past it.  I’ve seen it time and time again.  Your heart is a brilliant, mad genius.  It can be hard to find long buried pain, but the heart is attracted to exactly the people and situations you need to bring up and work out whatever baggage you’re carrying around until it’s not a burden anymore.  You will address your history over and over until you’re, literally, over it.  Trust your heart and learn to hear what it’s saying.  Love is a higher organizing principle than your thinking mind.  The mind can only observe love, but never control it, and all attempts to do so will be met with frustration and a lessening of love itself, in other words, more pain.  In the long run, we all have to grow in love.

Therefore the second thing you can do is heal.

_________

In next week’s email I’ll address your personal healing process and go in deep to give you some tools, ideas and practices you can use to open up to, unblock and enjoy the love in your life.

This post is from a weekly healing update email, aka Heal Schpeel, that Lincoln sent out on  11/29/2010.  Join the healing list now to hear about healing specials and promotions, email link@lincolncrockett.com, subject: Add to Healing List.  Thank you.

For more on Lincoln, his music and Energy Work, visit www.lincolncrockett.com.

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Published in: on December 2, 2010 at 9:43 pm  Comments (1)  
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Where We’re Heading Today- Part 2

We’re able to do more than what we’re doing now (roots, feelings & thoughts) and we know it.  The number one new thing we’re waking up to – more than anything else right now, and I’ll prove it – is… (Continued from Heal Schpeel #1)

Love.

The heart.  Love is a loaded word, but I’ve never found a better way to say it in English.  Roots, feelings and thoughts are clearly recognized priorities in our collective lives in a way that love isn’t.  Its simply not valued in the same way, yet.  It never enters serious political discussions for more than a passing mention, and isn’t even on the radar in education, government, policy, business or finance.  Arguments are not often won with, “Because I love it,” or, “it’s in my heart,” where everybody understands and case closed.

And how could we expect otherwise?  It’s clear that we are absolutely bumbling around in the dark when it comes to our hearts.  Love is deeply important to us in a way that transcends race, religion and culture, yet it’s only overtly recognized in the arts and entertainment.  More than half the top one hundred popular songs in the United States in the past one hundred years – the most popular songs on earth – are about falling into or out of love, a trend that continues in all genres of modern music.  It looks like we’re ready to love to the point of obsession but, well, it’s lacking.  What passes for love sounds like a toxic amalgam of addiction and co-dependence, just ask a teenager.

When hippie culture popped up the in the 60’s a deeply loving world might well have laughed at them for being overly simplistic, shooed them home and given them better clothes to wear.  Some folks did just that, but they were also shouted down and marginalized for the radical idea they were onto: that love is freely available everywhere and well, man, like, really, really important, man.  Like, it’s gonna change the whole world, man!

Well, love will, that part is inevitable.  We can’t help it.  It’s been growing for a long time.  The guy we call Jesus was an early adopter 2,000 years ago.  He’s reported to have put a lasting drop in the world love bucket saying things like (and I’m paraphrasing), “Love everyone all the time, cuz Jesus ya’ll,  can’t you see you’re swimming in it!?”  It seems like he thought it a universal and tangible sort of thing, and more important perhaps than even life itself.  But it sure was hard to describe.  After a long dry spell Shakespeare hit us again in the 16th century with his insurmountably romantic plays and linguistic gobbldigook.  Still, the widespread notion that everyone might fall in love and from their love choose their mate didn’t percolate seriously until the 18th century Romantic period, and still isn’t common elsewhere in the world.

Nothing underlines this shift towards love like the so-called ‘Recession’.  I call it ‘the Progression’.  Our faith in the bizarre financial arrangements we call an economy is what’s receding, and the space is being filled by something clearly more meaningful.  Why did interest in surfing double in a single year recently on the Oregon coast?  If you’re poor and you want to be happy, surfers are excellent role models.  Many people who’ve lost their jobs aren’t waiting for the next sugar-daddy to come along.  Instead they’re starting their own businesses in unprecedented numbers, doing stuff they love!  Is there any doubt that love is more important than your bank account?  How much money do you need?  Would you rather have a leather couch or more time having fun with your family and friends?  Is there a sane dying man who on his death bed ever said, “I wish I’d worked harder and loved my family less”?  It is, in fact, the failure of money and material possessions to answer our collective longing that underlies our current economic experiences: our hearts just aren’t in it.

Love is a persistent idea – and persistently mysterious – for one simple reason:  Love is superior to thought.  It is more complex, functions on its own non-linear logic and is therefore less well understood.  You can’t love with your head, you have to use your heart.  Descriptions are mental, love is experiential.  When the energies in our limbs, organs and life are full of love everything goes better, everything, and your mind takes a backseat. If it weren’t for the intellectual demands of modern life this might be everyone’s preferred mode of being.  Love is intuitive and beautiful.  If you are one of those lucky few people who have experienced a lot of it, you know how wonderful it is!

From what I’ve seen there is not one thing on this planet that makes a person feel healthy, safe, secure and able to face what’s on their plate like love.  Except maybe for power, but take it from a healer: when power is used to defend us from feeling pain in our hearts it eventually dissolves into agony and suffering.  When love dissolves it turns into peace or grief, the latter which returns to peace anyway.  The heart knows things that the mind can only observe and support, but not truly understand.  From the perspective of a full heart, life unfolds in a perfect harmony guided by an unseen hand.  Know that your heart is important.

Really, really important, man.

—–

Next week we’ll go deeper into some of the things going on in our hearts that make love so painful and what we can do about it.

This post is from a weekly healing update email, aka Heal Schpeel, that Lincoln sent out on  11/19/2010.  Join the healing list now to hear about healing specials and promotions, email link@lincolncrockett.com, subject: Add to Healing List.  Thank you.

For more on Lincoln, his music and Energy Work, visit www.lincolncrockett.com.

Published in: on November 19, 2010 at 2:38 pm  Leave a Comment  
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