How to Heal a Hurting Heart

When love flows, life is good.  When our hearts are blocked we feel the pain.  How do we heal a hurting heart?  How do we grow love, experience more love and value the love we have?  Can we increase the love we share with others?  The easy, emphatic answer is YES!  Yes you can, you were born to love!  It’s been a color in your crayon box from the very beginning.  There are as many ways to heal and love as there are people on earth, so I’m going to start with a few heavy hitters that anyone can make use of.  Here they are in no particular order:
 
 1.  Love Yourself              
 
The single most important thing you can to do to heal a hurting heart is love you.  The world around you will reflect this love back every day.  Its that simple.  Look at yourself in the mirror.  Love everything you see.  Look at you, you’re the only person completely like you ever-  Looking just how you look, thinking just what you think and being just you is all you need to be loved.  You’re loveable just for breathing.  It’s that easy!  On the other hand, do you see things you don’t like?  Is any part of you scoffing at such a simple exercise?  Keep reading.
 
2.  Take Responsibility for the Love you already have.
 
If you want more or better love in your life you have to nurture it like a garden.  Grow love by putting time and energy into your own health and happiness and important relationships like your family, friends and community.  Love them!  What do you want to give them?  Write down five easily achievable things right now.  What can you give right now?  Give it!  What does your heart want to do for the people you love?  Write down five things you want to do for them and get going!  Hurting hearts look for love to be given.  Full hearts give.  No control or seduction required.  You don’t have to be perfect, richer or more beautiful.  I promise you, it’ll come back.
 
3.  Move stagnant energy in your heart out.
 
Do you feel a tightening in your chest around certain places, people or events?  That’s your heart closing.  What do you do if your heart’s blocked up?  Your heart is made to lighten its load automatically!  It’s called grief and works through crying.  Tears are a built-in heart cleanser, free of charge.  It’s that easy.  You don’t even have to know ‘why’, that’s the mind’s job and this is love we’re talking about.  Try watching a dramatic movie, read a romantic story, talk to a close friend, write in your diary, take some time alone, give someone you love a five minute hug, listen to a love ballad, anything that touches your heart.  During a session, clients will often cry if we are working on heart cleansing.  The heart knows what it needs. 
 
4.  Find your baggage and unpack it.
 
We’ve all got past pains hanging around and you are never too young or old to unpack them.  Having trouble with an important relationship?  I guarantee its calling up some of your heart’s baggage.  You’re being asked to unpack it and grow.  The sooner you do the less likely you will carry it beyond today, on in your relationships, pass it on to your kids or develop an illness, injury or disease.  The key to whether it’s going to keep hurting or improve hinges on how well you pay attention and develop your consciousness. 
 
Try this: set your intention to unpack or work on some aspect of your life and really mean it.  Now recall a situation you’ve been in recently that love ‘turned sour’ and ask yourself some questions.  Notice how you feel.  Did this bring up anger, sadness, betrayal?  All feelings are valid.  There is no need to judge, just observe.  Have you felt this way before?  Take a moment and consider what situations this event is similar to.  If this is a cycle, what are the details?  What are you trying to learn here?  What are you trying to get over?  If you mean to experience more and better love, stay engaged and feel your feelings.  Then refer to all of the rest of the tips above and below.
 
5.  Learn how to love better.
 
Think of it as an art you were born to do, but you’ve only had very limited training with the tools.  There are a lot of great thinkers, more great builders and workers, and even more fighters already, but very, very few people have reached the same capacity with loving.  Love seems most noticeable for people when they’re with or thinking about the people they love.  Visualize a baby, your child or intimate partner, a beloved pet, a plant that you care for meticulously just for the joy of doing it, a life-long friend or a parent.  Do you swoon for a movie star?  Perfect, just do it!  Let your heart fill up with how wonderful you feel about what you love, then bring that love to places in people in your life that need it, including yourself. At the end of this article I’ve included several helpful books on love skills that have been particularly useful to me.  I recommend them to my clients all the time.  
 
6.  Practice forgiveness.
 
One of the most powerful tools for healing your heart is forgiveness.  If you have been hurt by someone it is important to forgive them.  Don’t wait for them to apologize.  They may never be able to, and meanwhile you’ll still carry around the pain of being a victim.  When you forgive someone else you release yourself from carrying around the pain.  As the old saying goes “bitterness is a poison we drink ourselves to hurt someone else.”  This includes finding and forgiving ourselves for the ‘unforgivable mistakes’ of our past actions.
 
If you’ve been hurt by someone in your life who will continue to actively try and hurt you, you will need to address that.  For people in eminent danger of real harm from loved ones, leave or care for yourself however you need to.  Regardless of how painful what you suffered was, try to forgive and heal yourself.   This is a MUST for old pains you are carrying with you.  You can never protect yourself from something that isn’t happening now, it will just end up blocking what’s good in your life.
 
7.  Be vulnerable.
 
Learn how to have a healthy relationship to vulnerability.  This could also be called “develop personal safety” or “Trust”.  Hearts are tender things and daily life can be rough on them.  Traffic, bills, school, work, news, none of these things cultivate warm fuzzies on their own.  Human life has been relatively rough for a long, long time.  Its only now in North America that there is such consistent excessive abundance – we’ve gone way beyond simple basics – that we’re able to recognize that the toughening required to make it this far is costing us.  The market supports acquisition and entertainment , and instinctively this just isn’t enough.  Think right now of at least one person you can really talk openly with, really let your guard down, who will listen to you and not judge you.  Even if you don’t see them often, keep in touch.  Just by being themselves they will help you remember the finest, softest, strongest parts of you heart.  Love cannot exist without them. 
 
The road to healing your heart can bring up feelings of discomfort, sadness, fear and loneliness but I promise you, you were born ready and able to do it.  The experience can be exhilarating, liberating, empowering, life-affirming and freeing.  This beats winning the lottery and winning a war hands down.  Imagine taking off your sunglasses to find a world gushing love like a bunch of Beatles fans.  The best part is that the love that will satisfy all your aches and pains is a part of you and you are a part of it. Love doesn’t cease because pain is present.  The truth is that love exists within you and around you, always flowing through you.  Ever wonder why “The Force” is such a compelling idea in the Star Wars movies?  It is love.  Don’t wait for Yoda!  Trust that love is real, love is good, grief is healing and that you can heal your heart.  It may take courage but you are strong enough to deal with pain and vulnerability, and you will never regret it.  Be happier and healthier.  Make love and loving a priority in your life.
 
Resources
The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida
Loving What Is by Byron Katie
The New Rules of Marriage by Terrence Real
We by Robert Johnson

Advertisements

Why Love Hurts

Why is love SO compelling and yet often SO painful?!  Why is it that something as wonderful as LOVE can also bring us to our knees?  Falling into love, falling out of love, hurting or being hurt by the people we love, or longing for love – what is it that can hurt so much?  Over the next two weekly healing updates we’re going to get a grasp on a new insight into these questions.  We’re going to up our love IQ.

The first thing you have to do is learn.

A great place to start is with The Beatles.  Their story illuminates a couple of key conditions important to this week’s quest.  Part of what made The Beatles such a huge hit early on was that they were distanced from their audience.  To this day you can experience a lot of John, Paul, George and Ringo in pictures, recordings, and movies, but you’re extremely unlikely to meet them as a normal person.  Part of what made them so famous was that at the time there was a tide of people who just wanted to gush love and adoration.  These fans – mostly young women – could idealize, idolize and fantasize, literally ‘to their hearts content.’   There was no threat of rejection, no danger of ever meeting and being disappointed by the objects of their affection, only the profound hope in their hearts that love could be so perfect.  This is the first condition I want to point out: fans wanted to experience a perfect love they innately knew was possible.

Where did this tide of love the Fab Four tapped into come from?  Why weren’t listeners so satisfied with the love in their own homes and communities that these party animals with instruments had little impact?  Well that’s just it, something was lacking.  A significant number of people were ready to explode.  One clue comes from how they grow up.  Psychologists notice that the bonds created during childhood – the love bonds of early childhood especially – shape not just how we love the people that raise us but how we experience love for the rest of our lives.  This early programming becomes tacit, like sunglasses we forget we’re wearing.  The more love, the thinner the glass, and vice versa.  It seems as though when the Beatles first hit it big in North America there were some thick shades ready to come off, like a reservoir of love dammed up and waiting for someone to release the gates.

THIS is why love hurts: because our hearts get dammed up or blocked.  We feel both the pain of the block or the longing for an unblocked state where we can experience love more easily and effortlessly.  Such blocks are exceedingly normal.  I work with almost all of my clients in every session to clear stagnant blocks big and small.  Their existence is involved in every illness and injury, and clearing them is one of the first things I learned in my energy healing training.

You need love to be healthy and happy, and without it your health and happiness falter.  Why would love ever be stymied?  Surely it should be flowing as freely as the Beatles’ fans hoped.  Well, as I established in the previous two updates, love hasn’t been a top priority in our culture, but it’s on its way up.  This rise is inevitable because just as the Beatlemaniacs pointed out, love is primal and innate.  It’s like we’re born with a crayon box, and over time learn to color only with some of the colors.  Inevitably, however, we will come in contact with someone or something ‘outside the box’.  It can be a neighbor, a lover, a song, a work of art, an incident, an asshole in traffic, etc., that reminds us of one or more of the ‘other’ colors.  For instance, if you’re painstakingly nice you may be reminded of your anger, or if you are stoic and cool you may be reminded of your vulnerability.  These experiences are alternately painfully uncomfortable and compellingly attractive.  What were the kids who came of age in 1960’s America responding to in their post-war, Baby Boomer parents?  They were at a point where they could no longer deny the existence of the other colors like love, no matter how hard they tried.  Sooner or later we all have to.

The most difficult thing is, if your heart blocks pain for a long time it gets comfortable that way.  This new comfort zone becomes a lens through which you view everything in your world.  We develop intricate personal habits to help us avoid opening up to the pain we hold in our hearts.  Entire families will skate around hidden pain.  These habits become so ingrained that in most cases they become who we think we are.  This makes it harder to love and be loved, to feel, find and recognize love.  We may go to great lengths to prove ourselves worthy of the love we want but don’t feel.  The fear of getting hurt again can be so great that we will turn away from our hearts to feel as little love as possible.  We’ll prefer it.  One especially glaring tragedy stands out here: the things that hurt us are usually part of our history and no longer happening right now – especially in this very moment – yet we continue to protect ourselves.  When the energy in your heart is blocked for long enough it starts to show up in your body as heart related illness and disease.  Anything from simple tightness in the chest all the way to heart attacks – yes, heart attacks, the leading cause of death in the United States – are rooted blocked heart energy.

This is what’s happening when love hurts:  when we open our hearts to others in our relationships, everything – and I mean everything – that has been dammed up has a chance to flow out and be felt.  This can be sad, terrifying, depressing, destructive, and lonely but also liberating, empowering, exhilarating and life-affirming.  The truth is, as humans we’re not able to limit the stuff we don’t like and let loose the stuff we do.  When you tighten down on some of it, you clamp down on all of it.  When you open up the flow again whatever you were blocking will be right there waiting for you.  If you’re still hurting from a past intimate relationship of any kind, it’s going to come up in your next one, of any kind.  Did you have a rough time with your father growing up?  You’re going to have to address it all again as a dad, as a wife, or in your relationship with me.  Did you experience the death of a parent early on?  You can expect to be avoiding that threat of loss in all of your current relationships.  There are as many stories as there are people on earth, many much more and much less dramatic than these.  A large part of my work as an energy healer is working with the roots of these stories so that my clients’ energies can flow in a healthy way again.  This way they don’t have to continue to re-experience old pain in their life-circumstances.

The good news is that love hurts because your amazing heart is always trying to call up a great pain you couldn’t get past, so you can get past it.  I’ve seen it time and time again.  Your heart is a brilliant, mad genius.  It can be hard to find long buried pain, but the heart is attracted to exactly the people and situations you need to bring up and work out whatever baggage you’re carrying around until it’s not a burden anymore.  You will address your history over and over until you’re, literally, over it.  Trust your heart and learn to hear what it’s saying.  Love is a higher organizing principle than your thinking mind.  The mind can only observe love, but never control it, and all attempts to do so will be met with frustration and a lessening of love itself, in other words, more pain.  In the long run, we all have to grow in love.

Therefore the second thing you can do is heal.

_________

In next week’s email I’ll address your personal healing process and go in deep to give you some tools, ideas and practices you can use to open up to, unblock and enjoy the love in your life.

This post is from a weekly healing update email, aka Heal Schpeel, that Lincoln sent out on  11/29/2010.  Join the healing list now to hear about healing specials and promotions, email link@lincolncrockett.com, subject: Add to Healing List.  Thank you.

For more on Lincoln, his music and Energy Work, visit www.lincolncrockett.com.

Published in: on December 2, 2010 at 9:43 pm  Comments (1)  
Tags: , , , , ,